Dr. Wayne Dyer, a philosopher and writer, cited the prose of Portia Nelson, her life in 5 chapters, a fable about self-awareness with the power to make a new, and different, choice, yielding a different result, or preventing a bad outcome.
When I first listened to Dyer's reiteration, I was young, just 16. I remembered the many business owners and community leaders I grew up socializing with, and the stories they told. "Insanity is the same thing, done more than once, expecting a different result", is what came to my mind as a youth. I had no examples of people making [big] mistakes, neither examples of repeat problems either, at the time. My attitude was to focus on the goal, and train through to championship game. There was no time for mistakes, nor deviating from the sleep, physical training, and nutrition regimen.
It took me until my early 30's to appreciate and absolutely value the extraordinary community that I grew up in. We were insulated, but also traveled, educated, and globally aware. When I began to travel extensively after a corporate exit, I already knew the stats and benefits of having been raised in a smaller, homogeneous culture. I knew the stats of private school, under/graduate education, economics, and geography, and how each of these had positive influencing effects on outcomes.
What I didn't know, is that it wasn't just those things that had been insulating. There were a million behaviors and support structures of loving, successful people in my family and community, that being born and raised in the Bay Area, I was protected in Los Gatos, in the Santa Cruz Mountains on our estate, and later on, in San Francisco (where my great-grandmother had had an estate, and a great-grandfather, a Bakery). I felt seen, cared for, known, and as life was handled, I was focused on living up to expectations, of being who my parents raised me to be, and creating legacy.
97% of the things in this life that concern me, are actual events that I observed, when I was traveling. Not traveling for business. Traveling to remote areas for beauty and solitude. Frequently traveling alone. Now, I hold my own, so I largely remained unscathed.
I tend to put on my "p" hat (Myers Briggs Perceiver) when I travel, and so my heart, wide open, and my Applied Behavior Therapist training (observe and measure everything impeccably), hones in on (a) whatever anthropological research I'm doing, (b) current meditation practice (it is so much fun to do these "in the field"), (c) any business research, (d) someone else's cry for help or environmental / situational danger. Danger is the wrong word; safety is the right word, or being wise in discernment is better. Is it wise to do this? Is it safe? If there is uncertainty, what preparation is needed to make it safe? What is the SWOT analysis?
Wrapped up within (d) ended up being other people's cry's for help. Which, may be a "hook", as Pema Chodron would call it, or "deep hole" as Nelson writes. I was raised in a sub-culture that believes in Self-Sufficiency AND helping others, in a structured way. I also was raised with "if you see something, say something", which was instilled in me from my grandfather.
Self Sufficiency. Like the airplane oxygen mask metaphor, you can't save the person next to you if you put their mask on first, only to go unconscious from lack of (O) (then their mask falls off, and what is the status of the both of you?). Self reliance, to me, is similar to any winning athlete's training regimen. There is learning (unconscious incompetence, conscious incompetence, conscious competence, unconscious competence). There is training (perfect practice). There is a schedule, routine, support, mentors, discipline, and focus. Generally the athlete is focused on their part in contributing to the win, and their self-care and growth. They and their team are equally assets. They train and grow together, and win.
None of this could have occurred without a stable foundation and the support of all "players", especially the ones "off-the-field": the sports performance MD, the Inspirational Speaker, the Chauffeur, even the janitor who cleans the gym at the end of each night. Everyone is important. Everyone has a place.
Self-Sufficiency is making the choice to hang up the phone with your partner at a certain time, because even though it feels great to be this in love, you need your sleep and to wake up refreshed.
Self-Sufficiency, in my family, was largely automated and so "unconscious competence". I had been interviewing business owners and I noticed that the ones who were at the top of their game, knew the details of why they did what they did, what worked, and what didn't. Whereas it seemed to me that the business owners who were innately talented, and unconsciously competent, struggled to articulate their method. I further discovered, after enough interviews, that they actually DID know, inside; they just often had not thought about it in those terms, or they were creative / rebellious and didn't want to admit it, or, it was SO unconscious, that their friends, family, and any trained observer could watch them and be able to summarize their method, but they themselves, truly could not tell you (until after the fact and until after someone they trust pointed it out using a style that was compatible for them to receive it).
Once when I was in San Diego, I had just attended an event, with prominent friends, and things were largely where they needed to be. I had stayed in a swanky hotel. I was also doing co-living research, and interviewed a man from CouchSurfing. Talking to him, alarm bells went off. As I can hold my own, I sensed what to do to make the situation tiny, and disengage. I was curious though, why he had even said the things he said. I had never heard anything like it. It was both disturbing and fascinating. On the trip back home, I casually asked two women, who were best friends, if they had any tips or tricks they kept in mind when they traveled alone as women. They were full of helpful ideas, and as they shared more and more, I thanked them. I also asked if they were open to sharing with me, how it was they decided what and who to say NO to. They stopped talking. They looked at each other for a second. This was the pause (the good type). Eventually they answered, but it was small. I had to dig deeper, and give them a simile their mind could accept. It was interesting to watch, as at first the pause was pleasant, and then it turned to worry or concern. They needed a casual concept to overcome their fear and move forward. My example was easy enough for them, and you could see the "weight" of their fear release as they exhaled. Then they laughed, and said, "Well, we are totally boy crazy, but we never hang out with men when we travel somewhere new, unless our [respective] boyfriend's are with us, their friends; or we're not only going to a public place, but also somewhere at the right time of day, with the right amount of people, and in the right geographical spot." OK. I got it.
Since their anxiety was not completely gone, I shared with them that I had asked, as I had done an interview with a male CouchSurfer, and it was supposed to be a group interview, but only he showed up, and it was only he and I. "Oh! He lied to you." They said. I chuckled. I sat back and thought about the things that I HAD done without thinking, that had helped my outcome in that situation. I had printed out an itinerary of my hotel and girlfriends numbers. I had called my family before and after. I was just hanging up with a relative when I arrived to the interview, and made a quick text to my friend who I was staying with that night, within 15 minutes. Other than that, my behaviors were appropriate, and my questions on point. I did feel uncomfortable enough that I dropped rapport building, and kept my personal details private.
I was lightly jarred from my internal train of thought, when the girls asked me for more details. After they had gotten over the feelings they had had, now they were curious and wanted to gossip. I kept it light, and shared a few relevant details. Then they probed, like only women can. They asked me questions that failed to be directly related, but the fact that they asked them at all, gave me wealth of knowledge about various precursors and outcomes. Finally, they asked me about the calendar date. They wanted to know the date he had signed up for that platform, and the date I had interviewed him for my research. They also wanted to know his visual details & posts. Got it.
During this discovery process, I learned two indicators, that have to be part of a threat assessment (albeit after the fact). I also learned, that platforms, and what they promote, cannot be biased as safe "because". There is a psychology phenomena that occurs which is inherent trust based on same community or membership group. People skip their "stranger-danger" assessments, projecting feelings of kinship and trust onto new people when there is a commonality or connection to an affiliation they're part of or informed about. Many of us know about cognitive bias. This is deeper though, where familiarity can be used as an intentional psychology tactic to circumvent due diligence. The Art of Deception by Kevin Mitnick, is the first book my employer had me read in December 2000, when he wanted to make sure that I personally, was as secure a vault as the legal trusts he created for his private equity clients. Mitnick, a black-hat, turned FBI informant, turned white-hat, exposes social engineering tactics in his book, and helps to ingrain that mistakes are never worth it, when innocuous questions or occurrences, actually aren't sapless at all. Like Jocko Willink speaks about vantage points, when one thing by itself is "nothing", but three "nothings" summated, equals a breach... it's all about situational awareness and knowing what to look for.
One investor I met with in 2014, asked me why co-working & co-living was such a small market share of real estate. I told him I didn't know specifically, as the several models I had worked in, albeit for years, were profitable and successful. He said that was not the norm for this segment, and made a comment about knowing what was on both sides.
I took on the challenge, and married it with my love for travel and exploration. I learned, that it's not about the Premium Model, which is profitable in that market segment, but too niche. I learned, that giant(s) in the industry, had used the Silicon Valley Model of VC funds and Speed Of Implementation, where they could afford losses until they captured the market. I later took on additional inferences about the other side of that, with the WeWork documentary.
When I visited co-working that wasn't working, there was a combination of factors. There were problems created by staff, which the management couldn't see. There were various "emotions" hanging out at the space, instead of it feeling like a clean, ordered, high-level, well-running beautiful office. Like attracts like. Issues with a team's performance, personality, or within the building, drive good people away. Some of this, I think, could be made an excuse and brushed of as "start-up", but I've seen how VC's start-up, how Private Equity starts-up, how an old expert pro starts-up, and how everybody else does. There are differences and nuances that are transparent and palpable.
When I visited co-working spaces that worked, they were clean, orderly, organized, clear, and run professionally. Even if an intern or young employee, the backing was highly seasoned, and it showed.
When I chose to visit co-working spaces based on price alone, I found something very interesting, to me. In the lower tiers, none of them were clean, nor could get clean (based on the age of the building). None of them looked good. But inside, this is where I met some of the most unique and brilliant creative solopreneurs. Handfuls and many dozens of sharp, bright, focused, creative geniuses, all doing talented things. Hardly any of these rare individuals, statistically make it to the top (some do), and it's generally a combination of factors. However, they do make it to the top in their market share as a solopreneur or expert, or even small company in their physical or online location.
Another thing I noticed, is that co-working can be a breeding ground for Gamification and crime. Your IP, is never worth being exposed to that possibility. The buy-in (lowest rental rate) is too affordable, making co-working accessible for literally anyone. Whether the man at the desk next to you, is actually the next Jeff Bezos (seriously, this happens; as a Financial Controller in San Francisco, I leased co-working space to the CEO of Live Nation; also to someone who is now a Director at Google). Or, the desk next to you could also be leased to a homeless man (this actually happened in Austin, TX - he was using the desk to sit in a controlled temperature all day); or a Crypto Criminal (in Austin, TX, this happened too - one Actor was setting up zero-day exploits; another, Zombie Machines; another, Black Market Bitcoin Games); it could be an ex-Amazon fashion designer, who is ERW (no joke, she actually told me what the group she belonged to does); or a US [shell] company, for an AU brand, where the CEO gets indicted for 65M text messaging fraud (this also is real occurrence). Outliers aside, most individuals are hard at work, making their dreams happen. Depending the level of income they were already at, and how many hours they're devoting to their start-up, seems to make a noticeable difference.
My heart is still into the co-working model, however logically, from what I know now, paying more for a private office, and joining Meetup for local events, is a better option.
SOLUTION: better to start-up the right way, in a private secure office.
Unfortunately, hostels & Gamification go hand in hand as well. I didn't want to accept that this was true, until recently. It does depend on the brand. It does NOT depend on the length of stay, which is a factor that invites or deters certain guests, however internal policy can have a hacker check out, then check back in, as a "technical formality". It also doesn't depend on price. Hostels from $20 to $180/night, per bed, same results. Hostels attract athletic adventurers (what I'm into). They also attract digital nomads, hackers, and traffickers.
TIP: Better to spend a little more for accommodations, and stay in the right brand, right location, with the right kind of travelers and people in vicinity.
In 2012, I had begun to review safety vs crime statistics by zip-code, so that I felt informed about the benefits & risks of each place I was going to. Even armed with this data, through 2014, I walked in and out of swanky hotels, down-to-earth hostels, plug-n-play co-working spaces, and relied on using my systems & training to be "inherently" protected. It wasn't until 2020-2021, an entire year of traveling, hotels, nature photography, that I became acutely aware of where I felt safe vs not, by my own grid, regardless of government published crime stats. Whether 4 star or 3, rich area or first hotel I saw from the highway, city or rural, if I checked the location's crime data afterwards, it ended up not being a factor in my experience. To me, this means that how you hold yourself, your "systems-check", your preventative measures, as well as all the little social cues you give off, those matter more.
The MOST crime, actually happened in a wealthy zip code, in Austin TX. It was wrapped up in lifestyle, and what, as an observer, you could see when you looked past the food trucks, beyond the rhythm, around the art, pause to take a beat, and really see what is there, out in the open, all wrapped up together.
I was taking pictures, interviewing people, asking questions about the scene I was in, and the perspective of the local living it. Their experience was cultural. There were also some deep rooted beliefs of those who had been in Texas for multiple generations. There were ideals of cultural philosophy and "vibe" from transplants who were attracted enough to relocate there.
One of the hotel employees, said he and his group are "counter-culture". I didn't know what it meant so I asked him. He gave me a fluff answer. In reading FBI reports this last week, I saw that a synonym for ERW is "counter-culture". Ah, so that is what he meant.
Familiarity Breeds Contempt. I don't know anyone who is contempt, who is wealthy. Its the principals that Dale Carnegie and Henry Ford talk about. It's the focus on excellence, and improvement, experiences, and giving back. There is no time for contempt.
I am unsure how to stop crime. I think the 24% of Americans who suffer from Cluster B disorders, the "Bad" disorders as described by Dr. Ramani Durvasula (she refers to the "difficult" people you know https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-Vn_Qhyq38); or maybe a better way to say it is those who fail to be eusocial and who are entitled; they exhibit fixed thinking errors & patterns with problems relating to others; they fixate on how they feel, and expand that. (How you do anything is you how do everything.)
An athlete practices and prepares, physically creating the winning state. They often have a "routine" to get into state before a game. A professional artist, and business owner, may also train in their craft and create routines to get into, or stay in, "state" or "flow". People who don't feel good, they practice that. People who are angry, practice that. ERW, they practice too.
Nelson talks about choosing a different road.
Pema Chodron suggests that the "deep hole" or "ERW" may be "Juan or Jaunita"; and she talks about getting comfortable with annoying and horrible things in our environment and world, through Tonglen. It's a breathing meditation, that filters (breathe in red dark hot, breathe out white light cool). It opens the heart, gets us connected between our body, heart, and mind. It creates space (my favorite part about it). It's a tool for positive transformation. (If you change, the world changes. Not just philosophy. It's also psychology. And feel free to check out Jocko Willink; he talks about it too referencing spatial perspective & situational awareness.)
Stuart Wilde, has a different view. His advice: never to go down the road with the deep hole to begin with. It's our choice.
I'm with Stuart Wilde and the leaders in my community growing up (successful people focus on solutions; anyone is being insane when they are doing the same thing that doesn't work, more than 1 time). Focus on what is wanted, not what is not wanted.
There is a caveat though, where if a problem keeps coming up, if it's Persistent, Pervasive, Permanent, then this is systemic. Things that are systemic, are an entire world that I keep leaving behind, over and over, that keep showing up. The Obstacle Is The Way.
I chose HNW & UHNW very early on, as it's a different reality, which I much prefer. People behave pretty similarly related to freedom and possibilities, based on their socio-economic status. It's predicable, based on bracket. The top 7%, they operate one way. The top 3%, operate differently. It's different still in the top 1%, which is the demographic of clients I provided service to during my career. The top 0.1%; these professionals, attended some of the same events, but I didn't know them (well, maybe a few). The way they operate, is entirely different; a very different belief system and state of flow. They manifest differently, and their families organize finances differently. It's not just trust, asset preservation, and wealth management; it's an entirely different system of comprehensive and high level business operations.
Traveling, I've seen much; from families living in houses made of tin and tires; to other extreme poverty, as well as great wealth, throughout 45 of our 50 States. I feel like my grandmother, who says that we don't have what the Rockefeller's have. What we have, is not the top 0.1%. My grandfather taught me to be grounded. His cousin, was top 1%. Different family, with different belief system, operating differently. My grandfather, he wanted to Defend our Country, and served in the Army. He invested in many businesses with his earnings, and had a gift for profit. His love though, was in building houses, for our family, and his wife. He was connected in our lineage, and it went without saying, in everything we did, that we were to fill shoes to honor our heritage, family name, and be a positive force at home and in our community. It was assumed that each family unit, establish a trust for their estate, invest in their own company, and create honorable legacy. My grandfather, is a Walliser. His name means "young ruler", and is also a highest alemannic dialect spoken in Upper Rhone. My grandmother, also with German heritage, is from The House of Cheney, where her roots can be traced to Normandy & Austria as well.
My family's attitude, is more heart centered and creative than the UHNW I know, who operate instead in a more strategic and calculated way, with more structure, expectations, and global support.
Yet, to 90% of the world, a person who earns $60K (this is the 90th percentile earnings in the United States), or less than that - this value of annual revenue - is the majority.
In America, to me, the majority, constitutes its own spectrum. From normal people, to happy people doing what they love because they love it (my favorite), to desperate individuals. I learned early on when traveling, that wearing anything designer, put me at risk. And that criminals are opportunists, seeking any opening. This brain type, can be measured, as poverty has markers in nutrition, which impact neurological formation & development. It impacts both IQ & behavior, which impact test scores. It impacts access. So even those who are brilliant, might not have access to get to school reliably, and/or otherwise, there might be other problems at home that they have to take care of first.
There is a difference between poverty, and criminality. Statistics go hand in hand if other factors are present. An opportunist, fails to see kindness as an asset, which it is. Instead, they view it as an exploit. A criminal, is actually, clinically, mentally ill as their thinking & behavior patterns are destructive & anti-social. Individuals with destructive tendencies, who otherwise "pass", and exist in corporate America - these problems start with the culture & leader. Billionaire Andres Piras spoke of his experience first-hand where a toxic employee sabotaged his company and he took too long to take action - once. He will never make that mistake again. People are our greatest assets. The wrong individual, has no place at a healthy corporation.
When it comes to safety in traveling, I learned, after training with Marine Seals, that opening up my heart, meditating on safety, and sending out love, IS PROTECTIVE, and it works (I couldn't see it as clearly that it worked, until I learned military-level physical defense).
Attributes you need with recreational travel, don't directly translate into the boardroom or an investor meeting, but modified versions do. The billionaire in the room is in a Hawaiian T-Shirt and flip-flops. The most excellent specialists & entrepreneurs, are going to make complicated topics seem easy, effortless, AND digestible. The talented person, is going to be prepared, and know all the variables, and everything in the background that you never think about. How YOU travel, is about how you like to prepare, what you think about and don't, and also how you enjoy yourself. What does it look like? How you meet people, is about being adaptable and discerning, for you. How they receive you; that's a different skill - both you and them. How you read them, is going to be the same thing for those who you choose to work with, and how you hire as well.
Once you learn something, you can never go back. Once you expand, you can never resort back.
The secret to entrepreneurship and investing, to me, is being so excellent, that everyone and else, has no comparison. Seriously. This is the high-price tag specialist niche model. In this avenue, there is no competition, and no struggle; it's almost entirely flow.
The Obstacle Is The Way, I think is akin to how Tony Robbins talks about re-tooling. When I was exclusively in "niche", I outsourced. However, while traveling, there is much I've had to figure out for myself, and as a result, I've got all these new tools now.
The other version of The Obstacle Is The Way, is about systemic problems in our culture, which I don't think we can fix nor change (until we expand our perspective, and adjust the timeline). I do think we can influence and impact. I also think SOME people can change things much better than others. This too: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world: indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." - Margaret Mead.
I know that I'm driven by legacy, family, and process improvement. Also excellence, and sports performance. I love this stuff. I was researching co-working, until I got enough data, and now I know. Along the way, everything I did on my own related to nature photography and consulting, was cool. The people I interviewed the last two years, was related to Cyber Security, it's not good. How Actor's operate, is damaging. What they shared with me, are systemic problems, that they buy into, and use as an excuse to do the things they do.
How you do anything, is how you do everything. You do what you do, because it's what you do. Any reason, is an excuse or justification. People are actually much more genetically + core value driven, in general. So, observing someone, or interviewing them, tells you almost everything about them: from how their brain is formed, whether they're right or left handed, how their eyesight is, what genetic markers or rare genes they have, whether dominant or recessive. Their IQ level; their sensing preferences; their belief systems. What they value socially. How they want you to think about them. Whether they lie or tell the truth. Everything is transparent.
THE FORMULA:
To wrap it up - if we want something, we have to really want it. Like, want it so much we'll keep going no matter the obstacle. Next, we have to do a SWOT analysis, from a technical not emotional perspective (clinically), while ALSO being aware of any emotional hooks - not to get stuck when we think about them, but to know what areas to build support around. Then, one page business plan. Next: track, measure, and act. Every day. Treat it like your most valued athletic win. If you're not an athlete, think back to the last long-term success that you had, and utilize that model.
I personally, keep being grateful for due-diligence, and the deals I say no to. Sometimes, it takes years for an article to appear, and then I KNOW why I had said no. But before that data presented, there was somewhere else intangibly where I knew, and said no, trusting myself. It's additionally good to say yes to ourselves. Pick the right project, that you can say yes to, for you (regardless of other people). Invite good people, in various ways that they feel comfortable with and open to, into your project world. People like to share. (Everything we learned in kindergarten, is all we need to know about human kindness. There is a fun book about this.)
And, I think of Dr. Richard Bandler, who I love. He has the cutest short video, where he talks about confidence in a unique way. He states that people cultivate confidence, by doing the right thing, because it's the right thing. I was raised this way. Not from religion; from our family who has a long history of leadership. If you weren't raised this way, Bandler talks about it being like a muscle, that get's stronger over time. You KNOW the difference of what is right or wrong for you, based on how you feel LONG TERM. No human being can live in dissonance. What this means, is that all healthy people, are in alignment and consistent between what they feel, what they think, what they say, how they act. It all matches. This congruence, is also how the best companies and entrepreneurs, operate. This is where manifestation and magic (not magisk) comes from, and keeps coming. Alignment is required for longevity & sustainability.
It's also a sweet spot. Once you get there, you soar. You can do it. I believe in you.
There's a Hole in My Sidewalk by Portia Nelson
Chapter One of My Life
I walk down the street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless. It isn't my fault.
It still takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place!
But it isn't my fault.
And it still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there. I still fall in. It's a habit!
My eyes are open.
I know where I am. It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There's a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter Five
I walk down a different street.”
